Today i was in the midst of my morning yoga practice when i was struck by a thought...a past experience, a remembrance.
What i'm about to share is quite personal, and a part of me is feeling a bit vulnerable, but then i think: that's what it's all about. Sharing, opening up, really connecting, and dropping the protective walls that in the long run only cause isolation.
Parenthesis: i'm quite an expert with "holding in", "swallowing it all".
"i'm ok, really, i'm ok.........(silently) but could you please just hug me, hold me?"
So, i'll cut to the chase and take ownership of my vulnerability and share.
I remembered being at my therapists office (which was more like a bedroom adapted as a therapy room), years ago. Sitting on a couch, eyes closed and exploring, experiencing, discovering something about myself that was forever useful and incredibly enlightening.
My therapist guided me and made me see myself, describe myself, in two scenarios. I don't know if the idea was to see myself as two...but that was what i saw. It was striking.
Interesting, mind-blowing, unbelievable in a way yet familiar.
One was this creature, human or human-like living in a world of steel. Steel, all around. Great tall buildings, fortresses, palaces of gray, metal. Clouds, wind, yet no real air. Very similar to what you might find in scenes from Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones-- cold, damp, sharp edges, steel, steel, steel.
And there i was, in the middle of it all, covered in a suit of steel too. My joints couldn't quite move, my hair in a ponytail... motionless. I was in the middle of it all, on top of this fortress of hard silver. Very much like a pin. Alone.
Then there was this other creature, on a couch. The place somewhat surreal for not only could i see recognizable objects, but i could also see waves in the air, surrounding me, i could sense an enveloping aura, colors, all around.
There i was, lying down on what i would describe as a couch-- soft, silky, comfy. I was lying across, barefoot, kind of resting, kind of dancing. It was all yellow and a soft shade of turquoise. I was immersed in this state of contentment, ease. Having this rejoicing feeling of being part of this big movement. As i said, i could see this yellow aura enveloping me, as if i was inside a ray of sun: warm, warm, warm. There was no one else there with me, but there was not even a pinch of loneliness in me.
Both of these creatures being me.
Both of these so different, and yet all in the same mind, body and spirit.
I mention this, and now consider (after the action of self-inquiry) that it is not random how these images come to play at times when i'm most with myself. And now.
My life lately has been an internal turmoil, my ground has been shaken, old phantoms, samskaras (habits, traces) coming to light.
Self-inquiry very present and necessary.
I'm torn in between these poles, and i must confess that at times i feel pulled by one side, forgetting the other.
Losing balance.
My soldier comes to play, leaving in siome forgotten land my yellow dancer. It can be quite exhausting.
It's important for me to remember. Remember both, all me.
I want to dance, i want to be in the sunbeam, want and need movement and waves.
I also know that it is essential to not rest in the country of "wants", and translate it all into actions.
Today i made a small step. It means stepping into an unknown lake--how deep?
how warm?
how cold?
salty?
i do not know...
a leap of faith.
a conscious leap of will and faith.
--Fía.
"i'm ok, really, i'm ok.........(silently) but could you please just hug me, hold me?"
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