It's been quite a few weeks, i think actually a bit more than a month since i last visited my dear post. I've been meditating a lot about this kind of media, this blog for me to express my inner thoughts, inner feelings and insights.
I started it all with the intention to allow myself a real space (although i don't know where it lives..in a cloud somewhere? a nonexistent cloud?) for me to bring out, type out, what is happening inside me. The idea was brought to life as a cry from the soul--at least i like to call it so. I was living in New York City, in the wild city of lights, of everlasting sirens, nonstop activity (no matter how useful that activity actually was), but activity nonetheless. I can't help but call upon the typical image that i've seen in some photograph, postcard, advertisement or movie--can't recall where. That image of a woman/man standing in the middle of light chaos. Where the time and exposure of the lens has been tweaked so this individual is in focus and all you see around is some overwhelming cloud of lights. Beaming around her, beaming across, behind, above him or her.
That is what it was like, really.
It was beautiful, yes..at times. It was exciting, hell yes. But i was alone. Alone and lost. No space for air, no space for tears of either joy or sadness.
I was a statue.
What was this statue doing? Did it feel? Did it dream? Did it smile or frown?
No. Not really.
And the answer was simply: no time for that.
Yes, there was time..time to be used. Time to be effective, productive. My productivity was not only making me go around in circles: quite like a hamster on its wheel. (Cliché again, i know). All those stupid terms of today's language was depleting me, was making me empty and hard as stone.
To make long story short, it all cracked. It had to, really.
I was lucky enough to have a safety net. A home, a family.
A family of friends, a family of relatives, a family of people i do not even know but that i see, listen and read about and admire.
I think the first little crack was this little bugger-- this blog.
Haven't been very active about it recently. At least not in action, although totally in mind. Things that i think about, things that i observe, words that i listen or read, images that i see..it all goes into this little bag that leads to blogging. I write it down on my tiny notepad, i copy/paste it on my personal folder or make a note of it on my email or phone.
Today, unexpectedly, un-planned, i just sat down and started writing.
That spark came from an interview i was just watching: dated 2010, Mr. Max Neef on democracy now.
I've been so blessed to know him, but that could make up a book, not a blog post.
Back on track: one of the many eloquent things he said just made me hit pause and write.
"we know a lot, we know hell of a lot. But we understand very little".
Aha.
Fía.
