Piece of me

The yearning to write. 
It's been beating inside me for days, weeks even. 
Now sitting in my kitchen table-- wearing my cooking apron, smelling the mild sweetness of a freshly baked zucchini-cherry cake, and perceiving how the sun sets, welcoming the black night-- i sit and write.
Ah, bliss.

I come across ideas, 
I run into words,
I experience new magical moments,
I read some exciting piece of writing,
I wake up from a fascinating dream...
all calls me to write. 

And i write key words in loose pieces of papers. 
On a random post-it,
A receipt,
The last page of a notebook,
On my calendar.

What should i address now? 
How can these little jewels scattered in my mind come together to create a beautiful treasure to share?
           I shall not push it. 
           I shall not fall into the tempting hands of expectation.
           Like a flock of geese, that flies across the silky sky, i shall let it run through me. 

As never before have I lived through my body, breathed the air of each new coming day, and have given myself a space for gratefulness, compassion, and contentment. 
The glass half full or half empty?
The grass is greener on the other side? 
(but have you ever been "on the other side"? or better yet, have you ever given yourself the chance to ever "be on the other side?")

I have long been on the empty half of things, on the sterile, dirt, grass-less side. 
And for goodness sake, how tiring, time-consuming, motion-less, stressful it is! 
Identifying with this state of being, defining myself as a part of the disgrace, and making it normal can be the worst kind of addiction.
I existed because I felt lacking.
I existed because of my daily suffering. 
That was normal, that was the way it should be. 

I had read about turning the page. About making a switch.
I heard people talk of the goodness and miracle of life-- and i had tiny moments of clarity, never quite long enough to permeate.
I watched videos, read articles, had long conversations with myself...
but alas! 
I had to live through it. 

And now i say: it actually is somewhat like turning a page.
It is making a step, that feels so good, that you basically can't and won't go back. 

I ask myself (even though it's not particularly very useful) what/how did this all begin? 
I've reviewed in my mind memories, experiences.  Used the analytical microscope to get a hold of a specific moment when playing through life, daring to follow impulses, creating, speaking, imagining, exploring became "dangerous".
Where did all the fear come from? 
Where and when did the calculating, the panic, the over-analyzing, and the controlling start to reign my free spirit? 
And my answer can't get any better than this: it's epidemic. It's been installed very cleverly and very deeply in the spirit of societies. It's the dark current that has been weaved into us. 
It's a system of imprisonment. We are the prisoners in Plato's cave, we are made to think we are in the land of the free, but lets take a better look, shall we?

There is no time for spontaneity.  No space for the curious, the playful, the explorer, the daring. 
It is truly weakening, making us ill. 
For example, i believe sex is not something you do, it's a place you go. 
We are forgetting such place.  Fearing it, underestimating it. 
Making blood, hearts and minds cold. Stone cold.

How stimulating is it to be aroused, to have have your temperature rise, to experience desire, pleasure and eroticism?  
No energizing drink, strong espresso or hot chili can compare. 
You glow. 

So.
Well-being, love and happiness.  
Being able to stand on your feet, willingly and faithfully take a step.  
Contentment. There is no greener side, there is no other side. Make this one green.
Compassion. You are you: with you, with others.  For you, for others.You are part of you and of us all.
Grace.

I love waking up at the crack of dawn, and breathe with the Earth, communing with life. 
It is priceless, unmeasurable, giving yourself the time to hear the sounds inside you and around you.
Sensing day by day the temperature in your skin.
Allowing your thoughts, ideas, dreams and feelings surf through the currents of your spirit.
Perceiving how the world works with you: your heart beats and beats and beats, while the sun rises and rises and rises.

My plants have taught me the law of giving and receiving. The beauty of caring. 
Sharing is so important.
Well-being is so sexy and appealing.

...more to come.
** Fía.