I went on a blog break for some time. Well, my life has been eventful though, and i can't say that i've felt guilty about abandoning my virtual non-existant blog friend for a while. (Friend? I stumbled upon how i should describe my relationship with my blog. Or how to define it. Is it a friend? but it is also "something" internal? Internal voice? So...is it just me? A part of me?) In the English language, i believe, there is no different term to distinguish "being" (as in a human being) and the verb "being" (the act of being present). I won't go too deep into that--i'm no language expert-- but it is curious, and it is important. My psychiatrist and I spent some time analyzing it actually. In Spanish there is "ser" y "estar". Quite different. Something to think upon, and something i WILL write about soon. Ba-da-boom! Let's rewind! No, i haven't felt guilty. It has assaulted my mind, though, how i haven't been involved in writing much lately. In the sense of missing it. Things have happened in my life...like BIG things: my niece was born for a start. (Kind of obvious if you read my previous post). And other things, which are just as big, but rather internal. Insights, questions, feelings, resolutions, thoughts, experiences that move my colors inside. Usually they happen at times when i can identify as being most present. You know that kind of mind clarity that is almost like vertigo, a little high, a little scary, but extremely exciting. It makes you stop and say: "woooow...yes!" or "wow...i see!" or just "wow.."-- with no explanation but with a pinch of epiphany. It would be tiring and kind of deceptive to live life looking for these moments of epiphany. It's pretty much impossible. However, it's nice to have an openness and awareness to experience them, and catch them, as if you held a huge net and are out in a field catching exotic butterflies. Or looking at a starry sky and being able to perceive shooting stars. Well, i've had loads of those moments...little ones. I can't and won't name them for it would probably take me a lifetime to make them explainable, describing context and connections that mostly I can make. Plus, it's the sweet, sour, salty, pungent, zesty juice inside me, that i like to keep inside. So then i think: "oh! something to write about!" or "oh! sharing this tiny thought would be nice!" At first I stressed a little bit, which is not very unusual of me, but then i made/make a click and let go. Seriously it's a click. A click that happens in my joints, that provides an extra millimetric space between my bones. A click inside my eardrums that lightly pops. A click in my scalp releasing tension. All those clicks of letting go. For i realize that those are all inside me, not running the risk of being forgotten or lost. So svadhyaya (letting go) is something i've been practicing. In life, with life. I say this because it's taken me a while to fully understand that my practice, my yoga practice is everywhere and in everything. It's a yoga journey. Svadhyaya (letting go) in various levels and areas in my life: actions, thoughts, feelings, attitudes, people. It's ongoing, it's just beginning to sprout. Funny how i've been into "activating" (bringing to life) almonds, walnuts, beans. Growing herbs, sensing the birth of Spring, and experiencing the arrival of Emilia. All actions of life, creation. I feel i'm activating svadhyaya for my benefit. For me and no one else. For me and not an idea of me. For me and not an idea of how others should/can have of me. Does that mean stepping back? Maybe. Does that mean slowing down? Maybe so. Letting go, abandoning, gaining, but not escaping. I write today. Because I can, because i WANT. I write from love and pure communication. I feel very connected, have felt very connected lately: to me, to what i believe it, to my well-being. (and ironically--or not?-- my phone is dead). Love & Light,
Emilia ha llegado. There is this little being breathing, beating, dreaming, and...pooping. Yes, she poops a great deal--but it's just another manifestation of nature at it's best. If something goes in, something will come out. How profound is that, huh? And all from the art of pooping. Emilia is here. Emilia ha llegado. I look at her, i'm dumbfounded when i see her pretty face: her delicate eyebrows, her tiny point of a nose, her slim lips that curl and mischievously tricks us to just melt away. But yes, I look at her and i'm dumbfounded. Amazed. How can nature be so wise? How can it seriously perform the act of creation in such an acute sense of divinity? That little creature, that new participant in my life was JUST in my sister's belly a few days ago! Seriously. And it formed from what? how? ** i know the scientific process. I know we are not made from bees, or a stock that comes flying and delivers us. I do not believe we are the children of Adam and Eve (Eve being a part of Adam's RIBS!) and I don't really think we are a result of chance. ** We are formed from everything and are a part of it all--yet so unique. Emilia was created with an effortless effort. Oxymoron, i know, but it involved so much energy, so much pumping and love and nurture...yet, it sort of miraculously seems to work on its own. Neatly. With this expression of life, how can i not be blown away at our beauty, at our magic, at our wonderful powerful potential? It's one of those occasions where I step away (or step within?) and literally sigh out of respect and faith on our human spirit. Individually we seem powerless, like we are just a speck of dust in this jungle. Then others consider themselves God and play around like God, responding to their personal godly needs. We ARE powerful. We are Gods. God is inside each and every one of us. I look at Emilia and I see God in her breath. I breathe with Emilia, I feel her warmth, her energy flowing and I find God. Now what do we do with this power? It is in this place where I come across the timeless moment of consideration: what can I do with this power? How can God speak through me, for me, with me? It's not about religion. It's not about superiority. It's about what is good and good only for me. What makes me good? What makes me good, makes good. The arrow is not pointing out--that is depleting and i've done it long enough. Or pointing in, selfishly and eternally needing. The around is actually a circle, an open lotus flower, that opens up, but holds nothing. It is light and open. Do not confuse with Ego and "me, me, me". Being truthful, kind and loving to myself is being generous and loving inside, outside and all around. Emilia ha llegado. Emilia is here. Thank the Lord for her spirit, thank the Lord for her heart, thank the Lord for her beauty, thank the Lord for her poop. ***Fía.
Wow, it's been a while. To be quite honest i've thought about taking a few minutes and writing a blog entry--quite a few times this week. I can't be so cynical as to say i haven't had enough time in front of a computer. In fact, i think this past week i broke some kind of personal record regarding my relationship with a screen, a mouse and technology. It's a bittersweet kinda feeling: I've learned quite a few things about some computer "systems"(?) or "programs"(?) --- me doubting the right terminology just shines a light on how little I know. But i did learn, and somewhat mastered my new discoveries...and yet at the same time i felt i knew nothing, i was totally out-dated AND that really...i mean really, really...i didn't give a flying fuck. Excuse my french. My life is not determined by a computer, by my abilities using one and my relationship to a machine. I'm not saying i want to go live in a cave, or in a deserted island (sometime i do secretly wish that though). I mean, i know computer and technology is part of our world today, and i acknowledge the wonderful outstanding magnificent tool it can be to/for us. It allows me to see, hear and speak to my dearest friends. It connects me to marvelous places, informs me, opens my horizons, breaks many communication barriers and expands my participation in/with the world. I get it. I like it. I use it. It just becomes extremely tricky when we become dependent and begin to identify ourselves with this/these devices (for its not just the laptop, but the iPhone, iPad, Kindle, etc.) Not only do we begin to acquire a new personality through them, but they take on a meaning in our lives that i consider sometimes pretty much whacky. Can't go anywhere without your phone? How many times a day do you check your email(s) account(s)? Would you rather establish a relationship via chat, email, text than live? Would you rather be hooked/online/"connected" than participating with your environment? It's time to check-in and evaluate this...really. I was hooked for a week and my whole system was just screaming: "go out, take a walk, smell the flowers, feel the sun, talk!" No joke. We've been blessed with beautiful weather, and i've been out on my bike the last two days. Pedaling away, calmly and lively. Lively--i felt alive. See, we were born from the earth, we are part of the earth and will inevitably go back to being earth. I feel more alive today. I feel it all makes sense that way. It boosts life and love. Taking care, loving and participating makes me want to be a better person. Makes me want to make this world a better place. Not perfect, better. The best it can be.
