All Mine

I’m amazed.  I feel wonderstruck. I have been discovering a new moment in my present living—with a new attitude, intention and an unexpected kind of ease.  An novel, new rhythm.

I haven’t become this zen saint, tranquil woman in some cloud. Pretty far from that actually—and being a zen saint is not my goal.

It’s like…it’s like…

I’ve made this analogy before, it’s like shedding skin, having this newborn layer, super sensitive to all stimuli. Waking up and pulling up the curtains—sun come right in!

You see, I’ve become a complete fan and curious little ant when it comes to how our mind, body and soul work. I hesitated a few seconds before writing the word “soul”.  Is it spirit? Is it heart? Is it faith? All I know is that it is not body or mind. 

Years ago I had a very wise, talented acting teacher who liked to refer to this “subtle body” as “pelotitas de colores” (colorful little pebbles).  They change color, they modify in temperature, the move around—becoming solid clumps, with weight, or statically spread around in complete lightness.

We’ve all felt our little pebbles act and manifest inside us.  They determine and identify as feelings or states of being. 

I know I’ve felt it: sorrow, anger and complete bliss possess different colors, weight, temperature, and even are located in contrasting places.  I’ve felt my pebbles move around or act up: when blushing, when afraid, when excited or in love.  At times hysterical miniscule bubbles, or at times rock solid heavy stones.  All me all the same.

Right now my bubbles are moving all over the place, adapting, re-locating, discovering.

I am where I have never been before. I am, I just am.

I’m struggling to define it—but why should I? And I notice how difficult it is not to do so.  This high-wired programming is strong and deep. Of measuring it, classifying it, judging it.

I am dedicated to being.  It is challenging, my God, it is.

Yesterday I wrote about linking. Linking to a higher state. A higher frequency that I know & feel exists, and that I allow myself to choose.  Allow without criticism, but with contentment and determination.

I confess that it hasn’t been more than a few days. Correction, better choice of words: it has all clicked in the past few days.  Yes, for it has been brewing… hints, lights and sparks have been manifesting for a while, but now this is different.

I attempt not to dissect it, for it is felt. And it is mine. All mine.

I’ve apologized enough, I’ve explained plenty.

Today I had a new revelation, a new click: I’ve been stepping on eggs shells for years. Mistaking it for solid earth. Tip-toeing, shamefully light-touching the floor. It makes sense to the current deep yearning for ground, home, belonging and owning.

I have physically been afraid and apologetic for my footsteps, for my noise, my presence.  I’ve recognized it in past moments—and paid no attention to it, really—and this morning noticed it, fully.

It is such a deep metaphor to my old living.  Wanting “not to be”.  Not be heard, not to seen, to vanish.  And I was truly doing so. My existence was about vanishing. My body, my mind, my pebbles linking to disappearing. My frequency was tuning to fading, which would eventually lead me to passing away.

I don’t feel weak, I feel strengthened and joyful. I feel my frequency rising. My heart ascending, soaring, with faith and love. This new love within myself, to myself. Belonging. This morning’s epiphany showed me that this belonging is inside me. Just as love, faith and God is inside me.  Not outside or somewhere to be found. It is also in my own language, not written somewhere to be read or repeated mechanically.

I step step step step step… with grace,

Fía.