I wanna be 50

This yearning: "i wanna be 50" has been on my mind for years. 
Don't know where it comes from, what it responds to (exactly) or what i'm trying to run away from--cuz, that is a possibility too.  


Is it that i possess an old soul?
Is it that i'm avoiding certain responsibilities or experiences?
Maybe, maybe. 


I've shared this story with some people already, but i remember clearly sitting down, having dinner in a restaurant with my family celebrating my mother's birthday.  Funnily enough, i don't really remember how many wonderful primaveras ("springs": years) she was turning.  Not important.  The point is that she was 50+. 
Given my usual behavior, at one point of the evening i placed the world around me on hold and just checked in with what was going on inside me. Imagine this teenager (13 maybe?) opening her eyes wide, zombie-like, staring at everyone around her with a soft smile. Somewhat of an Ally McBeal moment--when she takes us on a ride to her own thoughts and impulses.  Well, there i was, "on hold" and just thinking: "ufff, (breathe in, sigh) this is life.  This is what i want.  Have this."


What did that mean? It meant I saw this amazing, wise, grounded creature surrounded by love (because we all were exuding and sweating love towards her) and life and stability. I'm not saying it was/is perfect. I'm not saying it was effortless, i'm not saying life is an Italian restaurant dinner celebration with laughter.  Oh no.  But she was somewhere in life that had a special quality of energy.  A certain pace, rhythm, heartbeat, space. 


I remember wanting to be there. I want to be there.  I now say it not from a 13year-old perspective--but that was still something pretty strange to acknowledge.  And i meant it.  Didn't care about the school parties (i did at some degree, but this just felt IMPORTANT, WHOLE), didn't care much about the shopping, or impatiently wait to be in the cool 20's.  I wanted to have the ease of the 50's. Knowing that i'd understand things more clearly and handle/attend what was really meaningful in my life. 


I know now that it doesn't necessarily have to be like that.  There certainly are some troubled 50 year old individuals, and age does not mean wisdom and clarity...at all.  It's a metaphor, i guess. 
But no, i still want to be 50.  


I've always been so attracted to that age: when you are still active, the manic energy has settle down, and life is managed differently.  I love white hair, which i don't have! (and i say that because i'm amazed at how many of my friends do) I like the way the body is carried out at that age. 
It's funny because one of my most precious memories come from afternoons observing my mother, my second mother Ade, my grandparents.  Oh god! I remember those afternoons en el Dante (street where my grandparents lived) smelling their age, experiencing their conversations and activities.  Ay, hugging my tata Gaston's belly, holding his hands, exploring his ragged nails (two were specifically yellowish "thanks" to cigarettes), touching his bald head.  And my Tati, my grandma's delicate way of moving, her peacefulness and attentiveness.  Sitting afternoons with her in the living room or terrace asking her about her experiences. Which she would tell me, and i would demand full descriptions!!!


I've always loved to learn household activities.  How to cook, how to make a bed, how to wash clothes--ok, clean not so much (although i'm a clean freak).  Sitting in the kitchen and just take it what was going on there. 


Now i am at such ease at home. I love home time.  I'm very active, i can't stay still and i'm constantly creating, making up things to do...but then there is home. Ahhhh, home.  Being barefoot, comfortable clothes. Growing herbs, knitting.
I'm living in New York and the party scenery is NOT attractive to me at all! I love walks--morning walks, afternoon walks, having tea! and then come back home, unwind, have a shower, bath, read and be "en el sobre" (bed) by 11pm.  Ready to wake up at 7 the next morning.  Ahhh life! 


I'm I an old lady?
How does that fit in busy, productivity-based, competition driven life? 
I've decided to accept the way i am, not be cruel to myself and push myself to some idea of what i should be like, what i should enjoy, should, should, should.  


We are all different creatures, we are all searching creatures, beautiful creatures. 
This is me...at least now. 

** This is dedicated to my Tata and my Tati, my grandparents.  For giving me the gift of everlasting beautiful memories.  Let this be a gift of gratitude to our elders, our parents, our ancestors--where we come from, which have inevitably helped us become who we are: